March 22, 2013

is a line of a song by the decemberists that I like a lot, even though it makes me sad.

the first time I heard the decemberists was when I was living in hamilton and I had no idea who I was.

which sounds silly but it's true. I didn't know then and I knew it but I wasn't ready to admit it.

such is life, and youth.

it was the day after my birthday and it was cold and grey and shitty outside

I was waiting for my boyfriend who I was living in hamilton with and

I think

didn't really know who he was, either.

how could we, after all.

he had gone to a restaurant attached to a mall to go get his sweater which he had left there the night before

when we had gone out for dinner and drinks with friends for my birthday.

I don't remember what I ate but I know it was mediocre

it was one of those types of restaurants. not a montana's or a moxie's or an earl's.

but one of those places that feigns being a decent restaurant but isn't. the same kind.

I did shots of sambuca which were awful and I hate cinnamon but I hated my life more

at least, I realize in retrospect

and ate my mediocre dinner and smiled and was uncomfortably aware of the hole in my heart

I was trying to fill with booze and shitty food

and missed my home, even though I'd spent years trying to leave.

so the next day after my boyfriend forgot his sweater in the restaurant

when I found myself sitting alone in his car

hungover and miserable

listening to the radio do one of those countdown shows when red right ankle came on

I cried in hamilton

not for the first time.

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