Hymns to the silence


Sometimes at the end of my work day or early in the morning

I sit and listen to the house

the hiss of the rads

the wind on the old window panes

the creaky floors that shift when the cats walk around

the small sounds that fill the silence.

I used to hate it.

I hated how it filled my ears and made space for thoughts that I didn't wanna think about

anxieties, stresses, the usual bs

when I was younger I got a cassette player and then a discman and then a bunch of variations of iPods

and all through that time I'd walk around with my earphones in whenever I could

blocking out the silence and all the sad, stressful thoughts that came with it

at one point it got so bad that I hated even taking my earphones out while I was getting changed at the gym. 

I'd do these weird contortions with my clothes and my body and my earphone cables so I didn't interrupt the constant stream of

music
podcasts
sounds

that filled my ears and didn't leave space for anything else.

I did this for years, decades even, until I started going to therapy and my therapist was like

"did it never occur to you that this is an avoidance technique?

That when you listen to music or podcasts all the time you're literally blocking out thoughts and feelings that you don't wanna hear?"

and what's funny about someone saying something like that is that it's so obvious when they say it but until they do

until the words are out there and you can't avoid them with

music
podcasts
sounds

anymore

suddenly what you've been doing becomes painfully obvious.

I'd like to say that it flipped a switch in me. That when I suddenly became aware of it I was able to sit in silence in my house, on the bus, at the gym

but I'm a human being and not a light switch, so it didn't work that way.

As it turned out it took concerted effort and several years of working at home by myself to get used to

the silence

the small sounds that fill it
how it sometimes makes my thoughts feel
smaller
or amplified
because of it

there's a clarity that can be found in the lack of noise that can be deafening, sometimes.

I've noticed it most when I'm going through something hard.

The earbuds go back in. Podcasts get ramped up. Music blares 24/7.

It's like I can't leave space for my thoughts because it feels like, if I do

things will I'll fall apart.

Lately I've been wearing my earbuds a lot.

There's scary shit happening in the world, life's been stressful, and tbh I've needed a GD break from everything so I've been indulging in this habit a little more than usual, or than I'd usually feel comfortable doing now that I know this is a coping mechanism.

But the other day I was up early and walked around, listening to the house and feeling ok

and yesterday, and today, and the day before that I was able to do the same

and though the world still feels like it's on fire and there's still stresses in daily life

it's nice to feel like I can make space for my thoughts in the silence again.

 

Things fall apart


Is the name of a really good book I read a few years ago while we were in Thailand. This post isn't about that book, but the title really struck me and is a phrase I've been finding myself coming back to a lot lately.

The line in the book that the title comes from goes like this:

"He has put a knife on the things that held us together and we have fallen apart”

and that's how things have felt lately. There's been a knife taken to the things that held my life together and I'm trying

desperately, some days it feels

to put things back together again. Maybe not exactly as they were, but trying to find new ways to connect things that were once held so tightly together.

But the more I tried to fight for it and stand up for myself and make my

valid feelings and perspectives heard and understood

the less it worked. I've had to come to terms with the fact that the version of me that some people choose to believe

(or in some cases were told they should believe)

isn't who I know myself to be.

And I know who I am. I've spent the last several years digging deeper into

my anxieties
my fears
my motivations
my values

than most of the people I know, so when I'm not able to make myself understood because 

someone doesn't want to hear it
or doesn't want to change their mind
or has already decided what they want to think

it's hard to let go and not dwell because 

I know I'm not like that.

Another book I've been reading lately is "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius, which is a book of ancient Roman philosophy (Stoicism) that I bought because, well

things have been falling apart.

Or at least it feels that way. It's hard not to let setbacks and challenges and hurt pile up to the point where you feel like nothing is right anymore. Like nothing you knew to be true, is true.

People don't live up to who you thought they were
or they pass away unexpectedly and leave you grasping
or they make a mistake and you're stuck picking up the pieces

and my natural reaction to all of this is to turn in on myself. 

I stop taking care of myself, get lost in negative thought spirals, obsess over a word, a thought, a feeling, turning it over and over again until that sharp thought becomes like a smooth rock that I can put in my pocket and carry around with me

weighing me down as I go about my life.

This is my pattern.

The hardest part is letting go. I struggle with forgiving people for being shitty, or selfish, or manipulative, or neglectful. I want them to be the versions of themselves that I believed them to be, or thought they could become.

But that's not people, and no matter what I do there's nothing I can do to stop people from being

shitty, or selfish, or manipulative, or neglectful

which is why I'm reading this book on stoic philosophy right now: to help me find a better perspective in all of this

and there's a comfort in reading words that were written 2000 years ago and in knowing that people grappled with the same let-downs, conflicts, losses, and personal struggles as someone living in an icy cold city reading in a beam of sunlight

waiting for things to get better, trying to find a healthy way to manage things, and trying to forgive people who have shown a lack of compassion for me as I've navigated a time of tremendous personal struggle and loss.

Some days I wonder how I'll get through it. 

Who I'll be on the other side of this dark and difficult time.

But earlier today I was sitting in my icy city, thousands of years after a Roman emperor wrote down his thoughts on coping when things fall apart, I read a line from his book that makes me cry just to look at:

"The best revenge is not to be like that" 

so that's what I'm going to do.

 

Every day's the 14th

Today is a day to celebrate love, and to honour that I'm gonna dedicate this post to two of my favourite things:

John, and quizzes that remind me of being back on LiveJournal in 2002.

I saw this quiz as a post my friend Donna shared on Facebook and it brought back memories of mooning over boys (literal boys, I was a teenager in 2002) and sharing random quizzes on our blogs even though everyone in my blogroll knew each other so well that we didn't really need to read each other's answers, but we did anyway because what good is a personal blog if you don't share random stuff on it every once in a while?

So without further ado, a lil backstory about us to celebrate V-Day 2022:

How did you meet? At a baby shower for a mutual friend. John was telling some hilarious story and I noticed him right away.

First Date? Cousin's diner (RIP) — we sat at a small table tucked away in a back corner and ate knish while holding hands.

How long have you been together? Almost 9 years

Married? Two years as of January 25th!

Age difference? 6.5 years

Who was interested first? Not sure, but I think we both started making googly eyes at each other pretty much right away.

Who is taller? John, by like almost a foot I think

Who said I love you first? John did.

Most impatient? Me for sure.

Most sensitive? Also me.

Who is the loudest? We're both pretty loud and energetic people but I probably take the cake here.

Most stubborn? John, but (as he said to me in a letter he wrote to me when we first got together) "is always willing to change his mind if shown a better way." That sentence still stands out as something that made me want to be with him.

Falls asleep first? Me, almost always.

Cooks better? I tend to take the lead and make more things/suggest more meals, but we're both pretty adept in the kitchen.

Better morning person? John for sure. I'm grumpy and groggy a lot longer after I wake up.

Most competitive? Me; John's pretty chill about most things.

Funniest? John for sure. He makes me laugh until my face hurts and drops dad jokes on me daily.

Where do you eat out most as a couple? It's a toss up between The Yellow Dog and The Nook.

Who is more social? Me in terms of planning hangs and social activities, but John is a true social butterfly once you get him around other people.

Who is the neat freak? Me FOR SURE.

Who initiated your first kiss? John's ex-girlfriend. We were all partying at Folk Fest and she insisted that John "kiss Alyson just to see what it's like" and we were both so anxious about it that he bashed my lip with his tooth. AWKWARD.

How long did it take to get serious? We'd known each other for years so as soon as we (finally) got together is was a serious thing.

Who picks where you go to for dinner? We usually decide together, but I probably lead with more ideas and suggestions.

Who is the first one to admit when they're wrong? Depends on the conflict, but we're both pretty good at coming back to the table and apologizing (couple's therapy helped a lot with this).

Who has more tattoos? John, he's got three and I have two.

Who sings better? John! But he always encourages me to sing and I have the best time being in our band Big Trouble in Little Wolseley with him.

Hogs the remote? Neither? We don't watch cable so the remote usually just sits on the coffee table until we need to select the next episode or whatever.

Spends the most? Me, but that's because I handle buying groceries, stuff for the house, etc.

Did you go to the same school? Nope — John was already graduated (and living in Winnipeg, I think?) by the time I'd graduated from high school.  

Tags: Life

 

Today is my second wedding anniversary


John and I got married right before the pandemic hit, back when you could hug people and hang in crowded bars and scream into karaoke mics at the janky nightclub just off of Front Street in Caye Caulker, Belize, where we got married, without worrying about getting sick.

We talked about "the Coronavirus" breakout in China with strangers on the day of our wedding.

I remember listening to reports on NPR about it while we were in Toronto on our way home

hoping it wouldn't hit Pearson until we were back in Winnipeg aka flyover country.

We got lucky. So so so lucky.

We managed to get 36 people down to a tiny island off the coast of Belize for 10 glorious days of

drinking beers on the beach
lounging in the ocean at the Sip N Dip
and eating waaaaaay too much seafood

right before the world fell apart.

We've talked about that a lot since then, while we've been cooped up in our house for

days
weeks
months on end

talking about The Wedding as if it was some big, beautiful dream.

Which in a way, it was.

We knew that, for most of the people coming, our wedding would be either

their first trip outside of Canada/the States
their first trip to a tropical place
their first trip to Belize
their first trip off-resort, or

in some cases

a blend of some or all of the above.

Weddings are special and all, but we didn't want our wedding to be "just another day" or "just another trip to Windsor/Winnipeg" 

we wanted something weird, special, and memorable

and by some weird, fucked-up stroke of luck, that's what we got.

The perfect trip. The perfect wedding. The perfect reminder that we're so lucky to have the friends and family that we do.

People who trust us enough to follow us on an adventure
who dress up like 18th century monks and write rap songs about us
whose laughs we could hear echoing down the street as we walked to meet them
(the thought of it makes me teary-eyed)
a lot of whom we haven't had the chance to see since the pandemic started.

These past two years have made me realize how lucky I am to have married John. 

Locking down was one of the easiest parts about the pandemic because I spent all my time around my best friend 
(who drives me crazy less often than I would have guessed)
but it's still been weird having most of our marriage defined by this thing that happened

right as it started

and that's still affecting it, two years in.

Still, some of the best parts of the last two years (and being married so far)

have been the times we've spent at home together.

Two years of planning and saving and strategizing
writing silly songs and practicing epic covers
planning outdoor hangs and DnD campaigns on Zoom
cooking amazing food and making fancy cocktails for ourselves
making art, writing, sprucing up the new homestead.

Somehow we always seem to find a way to make the most of the situation we're in.

Lately, since the latest round of Covid cases has had us staying home as much as we can
we've been listening to records when we make dinner and play games in the dining room
Motown, old rock n roll, blues, you name it

these daily moments of intimacy feel like a break from the rest of the world.

A world that feels crazy and scary sometimes
that feels overwhelming and unmanageable
that feels frustrating and unfair and upsetting

these feelings fade away with the smell of something cooking and the sound of vinyl crackling.

The other night while Elvis was on I said to John

"dance with me" 

so he did

taking my hand in his and putting the other on the small of my back

holding me close.

We swayed slowly as the music played, singing the words softly, my head on his shoulder

wishing I could stay there forever but knowing that as soon as the song ended

we're right back to facing the world together
the crazy highs, the toughest lows
making magic and memories
and turning everything into an adventure

this year, and every year ahead.

I hope we get many more of them to share.

Photos via Jasmin & Matt Photography who did an incredible job of documenting our day.
Tags: Life Bears

 

The livin' is easy


Lately I've been having the nicest nights.

One of the best glow-ups about our new house is that the kitchen is approximately 294755859 times bigger than our old kitchen

so instead of tryna make space in a weird corner to roll out some dough or chop veggies on a table that's probably too wobbly to be using a knife anywhere near it

John and I have been able to really collaborate in the kitchen together

which if you follow my Insta Stories you'll know is one of my fav things to do.

Another "new house glow-up" is that our den where the TV and sectional and record player all live is right next to the kitchen

in fact, one of the doorways into the kitchen

(not the one with the fancy double-acting door, but the other one)

opens right up into the part of the kitchen where all the action is, so it's easy to pop into the den and, say, flip the record or choose another vinyl to put on.

Which is what we've been doing lately and omg 

it's been so lovely.

John inherited a bunch of vinyl so he has this huuuuge collection of classic rock and pop and Motown and old country and

all these musicians The Algorithm probably wouldn't ever show us if we were using a music-streaming app, like

Jerry Lee Lewis 
Harry Belafonte 
Diana Ross and The Supremes
Hank Williams
Duke Ellington
Ray Charles
Gladys Knight & The Pips

and, of course

the incomparable Ella Fitzgerald.

I dunno why but I've always liked listening to records

thumbing through the vinyl jackets feeling the old, worn cardboard

(or paperboard, or whatever it is)

thinking of all the people and places and times where someone else did the exact same thing:

putting on a record and having a Really Nice Time.

It's kinda like when you find a well-worn book and you think about how many times the book was 

opened

read

and enjoyed,

putting our old records on feels a lot like that.

You feel the thing that's playing the music for you, treating it with care

taking a second to stop drinking, or shooting the shit

or in our case chopping veggies or sautéing something or other

to hold the music in yr hands and make it a meaningful part of whatever you're doing

instead of it blending into the background, unnoticed and unimportant.

So we've been listening to old vinyl instead of Hot Hot Hits or more 90's R&B playlists

(which I'll never knock but yr girl can't listen to Biggie and Pac all the time y'know?)

and we've been belting songs out and dancing around as we make food together

reminiscing about songs we know

surprising ourselves with ones we'd forgotten until now, songs we'd heard

here and there, on the radio, in movies, in our parents' cars growing up

old memories brought back by the sound of the music

helping us make new memories in a space all our own.

Tags: Life The livin

 

Hi 2022 / bye 2021


It's the end of another year. I just finished cleaning the house (a New Years' ritual), showered, and I'm about to get down to making some food and bevvies with John,

but before I do that

you know I gotta blog a bit.

I know it's cool to dunk on this year and there's lots of reason to do that for sure

but this isn't a post about all the dumb
and in some cases, downright scary
shit that's going on right now.

I wanna list some of the good stuff 2021 brought into my life. Sometimes when I look back on old (old) blog posts I read 'em and go
god what the hell was I writing

but sometimes
the best times
I read a post or two and I think to myself

"Damn, what a life I've led"

and I feel good about it.

So since I know I'll be reading this post again in years to come I don't wanna just focus on the stuff that was hard, or frustrating, or made me feel anxious or unsettled

instead I wanna talk about the parts of the year that make me go 

"hell yeah"

so here's a few:

2021 was the year I stood in the middle of a lake.

At the start of the year John and I rented a cabin at Falcon Lake and spent a week (mostly) unplugged from the world.

We ate tons of good food, went on long hikes, and dreamed about the future while drinking wine in the outdoor hot tub while it was -25 C 

(which is more refreshing than it sounds for my non-Canadian readers)

At a few points we walked across the frozen lake to explore islands that are only accessible by boat in the summer and I kept stopping between the shore and the islands to look around.

It felt surreal and made me feel small compared to the might of nature that can freeze and thaw this big, deep lake every year.

Like when you look up at the night sky and see the Milky Way and realize yr just a tiny speck and life is just what you make of it before yr gone forever.

That's how standing in the middle of the lake made me feel.

(me, getting some sick air while jumping on the ice in the middle of the lake)

2021 was the year I reconnected with my parents. 

This spring I spent an awkward and emotional few hours sitting outside socially distanced in a park across from my parents who I hadn't talked to in six or seven years at that point.

We talked about a lot of things and I got stuff off my chest and they listened and I felt heard and we decided to figure something out because if there's anything this pandemic has taught me

it's that you never know what's going to come next

so even if you need to have healthy boundaries with people, there's still no sense in being a dick about it.

I get the sense that I drive them a little crazy and I think that's ok because the older I get the more it seems that's what families are supposed to do to each other

(hopefully in a loving way)

and though I still catch myself at arms' length sometimes I love the time I spend with them and my brothers. It feels good to be a part of a family again after feeling like I had to be on my own for so long.

2021 was the year I became a homeowner.

We didn't plan to buy a house this year. Not by a long shot.

But half of life is being prepared and the other half is saying "yes" to an opportunity when you see one, and luckily for me we were both prepared and equally in a position where we could say

"hard yes"

to buying the house right across the street from our old rental.

Somehow, in the middle of one of our busiest summers ever, we bought our house and spent 8-12 hours almost every day throughout August repainting it and replacing things and literally throwing out soooooo much garbage that the previous owners left behind

(if you need a hookup on a junk bin rental hmu)

and when we finished the move at the start of September and at first it didn't feel real.

Like I was a kid living in some other adult's house. 

Sometimes it still feels that way.

Every time I go up to our third-floor bedroom and see the sunlight streaming in over the big, bright room I stop and think

"holy shit this is where I live"

and part of me hopes that I never stop being in awe of the beautiful space John and I are creating together.

2021 was the year I explored my beautiful province.

West Hawk Lake was our first "big" social outing since getting fully vaccinated in the summertime.

As we drove down Osborne and out of the city I felt like a weight I'd been carrying around for months lifted off my chest.

The first night was just a few of us who had all been in Belize together for our wedding so we picked up some jumbo shrimp, scallops, and lobster to fry up on the grill and talked about how long a year apart can feel.

We hiked up a mountain and swam in a lake created by a meteor impact and had ice cream and listened to metal covers of punk songs

(which everyone hated but not as much as Luke did)

and kicked off an amazing summer of sunshine, grilled food, squeaky air mattresses, guitar sing-alongs, and getting to know Manitoba a heck of a lot better.

We braved multiple bear "incidents" and jumped off of cliffs and stayed up into the early hours of the morning laughing together with our friends and it was the perfect remedy to (almost) a year apart.

(A bunch of cool kids having a laugh after waaaaay too many months apart)

2021 was the year I refined my relationships.

A lot of this past year was defined by a falling-out I had with someone I was close to. It was unexpected, hurtful, and made even worse by the amount of

stonewalling
avoidance
and straight-up gaslighting I dealt with

as I tried to navigate a redefined set of social situations

without getting the closure or even basic acknowledgment of my feelings that I was

(and still am)

owed

has been a hard pill to swallow, especially as someone who craves closure to any kind of emotional situation.

But that experience gave me the chance to look critically at the people in my life and who I made space for. It helped me realize that I have a bad habit of trying to make relationships with toxic people work because I want to be the

bigger, better, kinder person

when the right thing all along would have been to put my foot down and walk away.

I spent a lot of this year reflecting on that and re-committing myself to putting the work into relationships with people who bring joy and light to my life instead.

2021 was my best year professionally.

Starling Social had our best year ever. I worked on banner projects with big, influential clients, gave over a dozen talks, brought on several new people to the team

and somehow, thankfully, managed to do it while maintaining a decent work-life balance. 

(Which is one of the things I'm most proud of, tbh.)

2021 was the year I learned to say "no".

"No" to commitments that I didn't feel passionate about
that weren't the right fit
that felt too time-consuming,
not worth it
not a positive use of my time.

As an over-achiever A-type personality this has been hard as hell. I love to say "yes" to new opportunities and love the feeling of having lots of events and goals to work towards.

But this year forced me to take a step back and re-assess where my energy should go, which leads me to my last point...

2021 was the year I slowed down.

It was the year where I learned to sit still, to be at peace with myself.

To take deep breaths, unstick my tongue from the top of my mouth

(which is a common thing anxious people like me do without realizing it)

and take a step back from a situation and ask

"how am I feeling in this moment?"

Sometimes I didn't like the answer

(maybe that's the point?)

but the more often I did it the more I could confidently and clearly answer myself.

"I feel overwhelmed"

"I feel excited"

"I feel at peace"

"I feel

happy"

And at the end of it all, after 365 days of ups and downs, looking back the feeling I felt the most this year was happy and grateful

grateful for the business I've built that affords me this wonderful life

grateful for my partner, friends, and family who make my life richer

grateful to have opportunities to grow and explore and shape myself

falling constantly into my lap. 

Life can be hard, and it is.

2021 wasn't a cakewalk by a long fucking shot.

But looking back it was mostly
almost completely
kinda/sorta, if you squint real hard

wonderful

despite everything we've all gone through

and I can't wait to see what next year brings for all of us.

All my love in 2022!

Tags: Life

 

PG


Can't say I feel the same, PG.
Also if you haven't seen PG: Psycho Goreman yet you're missing out.

 

Got my flu shot today

we picked the total wrong day to go because it's cold and windy and not at all nice like the unseasonably warm +4C it was yesterday

(can you say "global warming"? Yikes)

but whatever, I got the flu-jab and next week I'm getting the COVID-jab aka my booster shot so I guess getting needles on a regular basis is just going to be part of life from now on.

My COVID jab is the last "big" thing I have to do before the holidays. Earlier today I wrapped the last of Starling's quarterly planning sessions with our clients so all that's left to do is take care of some outstanding tasks, putting together a few proposals since business has become very busy all of a sudden 

(which is normal for this time of year I guess but it always catches me off-guard)

and then I can coast into the holiday season on a wave of Christmas movies, music, wrapping presents and baking/cooking my face off since we're bringing food and snacks to our Christmas get-togethers.

This is the first year in a long time that I'll be spending Christmas with my parents. We reconnected back in the spring and come to think of it, a lot of this year has been spent reconnecting with people who I'd drifted away from or had falling-outs with.

(Except one person but you can't win 'em all I guess.)

It's trendy to dunk on the year that just passed but honestly I can't complain about much.

My business had its best year ever

I bought the beautiful house across the street from where I used to live 

I brought lots of lovely people into my life

and!

I got vaxxed which meant I could
camp
and hang
and bike around with my pals like in the Before Times

and holy hell did the time away from the people I love give me a profound sense of gratitude for the weird, happy little life I've built for myself.

2021 blew 2020 outta the park as far as I'm concerned.

Tonight we're gonna go to The Tallest Poppy and celebrate a friend's 40th and tomorrow is D&D

(which I realize I've never mentioned here but yes, I play D&D now with a group of lovely humans)

and then we have a blissful weekend of No Plans which means powering through work and house stuff and setting myself to coast right tf into the holiday season and a week off of work

so three cheers for that.

Tags: Life

 

Songs through the years


I'm 34 today.

In a way I feel like I've been alive forever

(maybe that's just how getting older feels)

but instead of writing some long diatribe about
birth
ageing
bithdays
and death

I thought maybe it would be interesting to list a few songs that have stuck with me through these 34 years

and the feeling that come up when I hear 'em.

So, happy birthday to me
and I hope that you enjoy:

If You Don't, Don't — Jimmy Eat world

My first feeling of heartbreak
too intense, too acute
for my age

but how was I supposed to know?

You aren't supposed to put
your whole heart
your whole self
every expectation 

into a teenage boy.

But of course that's what I did
that's what we all do
when we feel these feels for the first time.

Didn't make it easier in the moment though.

Pornostartrek — U.S.S.

A snapshot, a Polaroid moment in time.

Sitting in Peter's Kia Spectra in a snowstorm. 

Watching the snow bluster by as we sat at a four-way intersection near an off-ramp to the 401 highway waiting for the light to change.

The empty highway and shimmering snow and the darkness of the farmer's fields.

I knew something was wrong. 

I knew it wouldn't last, could almost feel the end of this chapter of my life barrelling towards me. 

Loving someone so much but knowing it wasn't right, wasn't forever, and that it was nobody's fault.

Sometimes
things fall apart.

Night Windows — The Weakerthans

We'd driven into Toronto for WinterFest together
but I was alone
I'd lost everyone as I wound my way to the front of the crowd
to close my eyes and feel it wash over me

words I'd later not be able to listen to for years.

It was warm for winter
(at least for me)
maybe -10 C
and we were in the process of looking for an apartment.

I wanted to lived downtown,
had big plans to live in the big city
imagined myself walking around in the equivalent of a Winnipeg spring coat
feeling smug, feeling cool

I never became that cool, big-city person

and in hindsight I think it worked out better that way.

Born Losers — Matthew Good

Finally feeling like someone understood how 
sad, and hopeless, and worthless
I felt.

This album came into my life at the end of the worst part
the part where I was my
angriest
nastiest
most confused and lost

the part where I'd pushed away most of the people that I loved because I didn't believe that I deserved them and had left to try and get away from it and where I felt like the best I could do

was drink and get fucked-up
and write through it

and wouldn't you know it, that's what I did
for years.

this is me trying — Taylor Swift

Sad feelings. Feeling like the 
years and years of effort
I'd put into someone, this big thing

didn't mean shit.

Trying to make sense of someone else's
misinterpretation
accusation
indignation
of you

out of the fucking blue

threw me for a loop for a long time.

Sitting in my basement in the old house
cutting up newspaper and pictures
thoughts and words and symbols
trying to make sense of it 

and failing

because nobody talks about when adult friendships fail.

Exodus of the Year — Royal Canoe

Walking across the Osborne Bridge in a snowstorm
knowing I was going home to leave someone I loved.

That I was about to break someone's heart.

I didn't want to, believe me
I loved him and our friendship
but it wasn't right 
and I couldn't pretend otherwise anymore

because that meant hurting someone I loved
and staying in a relationship that wasn't doing any of us

any good.

I walked home knowing he would hate me
that we'd probably never talk again
and I did my best to mourn the relationship, because with some people

you have to be the villain.

Too Much — Carly Rae Jepsen

Breathing in deep and filling my lungs with summer air.

Riding my bike down Assiniboine Ave after
a beer or two from The Common, at The Forks
one of my favourite places in the city

the feeling pumping through my veins and my earphones.

The dappled sunlight through the trees
golden and glowing and fleeting
in our four-season city.

Taking deep breaths and living in my body
my hands on the handlebars
the feeling of my legs and feet
moving the pedals.

In this moment I am

perfectly happy.

Here's hoping I feel that way a lot in my 34th year
cheers to it.

Tags: Birthday

 

I’m sitting in the ER at HSC


I got into a pretty bad accident on my bike today.

I hit a pothole and flew over my handlebars and skidded along the road on my head. 

My eyebrow is split open and I have a concussion, and earlier I could barely walk or understand what was going on.

Thank god I was wearing my helmet.

I’ve been in the ER for eight hours, and here are some things I’ve seen:

A man in a wheelchair pleading towards the nurses' station, saying 
“Please nurse, my chest hurts. 
Please help me, nurse”
and nobody helping him right now, 
because they can’t

they have no beds for him.

A grandma on her phone,
blind, also in a wheelchair 
telling her son that she’s been here since 8:30 AM

(st was 5 PM when she made that call.)

A young woman curled in a chair
feet tucked up under her
she asks the nurse for a blanket and the nurse tells her
they don’t give them out here
the girl starts crying

“I’ve been here since 2:30 PM” she wails

(she asked for a blanket around 6 PM.)

A man lying on the ground
on the “Covid symptom side” of the room
under a blanket, shaking
he was here when I got here at 4 PM

It’s 12:25 AM now.

All the while nurses 
and doctors 
and EMTs 
and other hospital staff
have been running around 
back and forth
stressed and tired 
their eyes weary above their masks
doing their best to keep up

but it’s not enough.

There isn’t enough funding 
not enough staff 
not enough beds
to help everyone.

The hospital up the road from my house used to have an ER, 
used to take some off the heat off HSC
but the Conservative government closed it a few years ago
and this scene is what we’re left with.

This is what happens when we defund health care.

This is what happens when we vote for Conservatives.

This is what happens when we look at people as dollars and cents
and not human beings who get sick
and get hurt
and need care.

And this is just one night when I happen to be here 
for 8+ hours 
to tell you about what I’m seeing.

Imagine what it’s like being here 
every night, 
trying to give all these people
timely, high-quality care
and being unable to 
because the health care system you’re a part of 
is stretching you 
and everyone here
to the limit

every day.

Please 
support our nurses
support health care workers
and never
ever

vote Conservative.

---

I was finally seen after 9.5/10 hours of waiting in the ER. A huge THANK YOU to the staff at HSC who took care of me and everyone else who was there yesterday. You're heroes and you deserve better than this broken, gutted, and under-funded system you're forced to operate within. I see you, and I appreciate you.

Tags: Winnipeg Life

 

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