I've always liked being in charge
- by Alyson Shane
When I was a kid one of my summertime jobs was to wrangle all the kids that my mom babysat and walk them to the end of the street so we could all hang out at the playground for a few hours while the little kids had a nap.
I liked that job because I got to be in charge. Because this was pre-internet times I had a fancy watch on a leather strap that gave me the worst tan lines because I only ever took it off to go swimming.
I liked being the one in charge, even though it stressed me out sometimes when a kid would wander away from the playground toward the road or someone got hurt or some kids got into a dumb playground fight.
I liked knowing what was going on. When we needed to be there, when we needed to go back. How much candy and water were left from the backpack I'd bring along. Who needed to go to the bathroom.
Even though kids can be little shits and hate listening to anyone generally everything worked out just fine. A few bumps and scrapes, a few tears over unfair games of Tag and Grounders
(which is a game where everyone tries to stay off the ground while also avoiding whoever is 'It' who's walking around with their eyes closed. Super safe.)
but generally nothing a band-aid and a little talking-to couldn't resolve.
Adult problems are more difficult.
Adults have to hold down jobs and pay taxes and watch out for yr bad knee or yr bad back and drive to the store and save for the future and pay student debt and this, that, and the other thing.
Life comes at you full-tilt and let me tell you it doesn't stop anytime soon, friend.
Sometimes I feel like being an adult is like steering a ship through choppy, unsafe waters. You're navigating the best you can but who knows if there's a big swell coming or a rainstorm or if that damn iceberg is actually way bigger on the underside than you thought it was and now your whole ship is sinking into the ocean and now over 1,500 people have died.
Okay, maybe not quite that bad.
But my point is that most of the adults I talk to feel like we're just trying to steer our boats around whatever unforeseen calamity comes next. Whatever is hidden beneath the waves on a night that looks calm.
The same summer that I was in charge of the kids at the playground was also around the same time that the movie Titanic came out, and my brothers became obsessed with it. They just about memorized the 'Inside The Titanic' book at the library and would list off facts at the dinner table to the point where I would tell them to shut up about it, already.
Did you know that the Titanic was originally was designed to carry 64 lifeboats, but they were so worried about appearances and the deck looking cluttered that they only brought 20?
Did you know that the Titanic's lookout wasn't equipped with binoculars to see icebergs in time to avoid hitting the iceberg?
Did you know that the Titanic held no passenger lifeboat drills to prepare passengers for an emergency evacuation?
Did you know that the final SOS position the Titanic sent out was incorrect?
As a kid all these facts annoyed me because it seemed as though a bunch of stupid mistakes and oversight and hubris led to the sinking of an "unsinkable" ship and a huge and tragic loss of life.
"Why didn't they plan better?" I'd think "why didn't anyone speak up, or think critically, or assess all the potential ways this could have gone wrong so that it didn't happen?"
Which goes to show you how little kids understand about how the world works.
I want to be a cat in my next life
- by Alyson Shane
If there's anything better in this world than being a well-loved house pet, I don't know what that is.
Yes as a human of course you get to eat amazing things. Mussels and oysters and lobster and sushi. Garlic toast and fresh sourdough and croissants. Spaghetti and meat balls. Fresh doughnuts.
And you get to drink coffee and beer and rum out of a coconut. You can make iced tea on a hot day or have a cup of Chai on a cold day. You can make hot toddies when you get sick.
As a human you get to ride your bike and marvel at the big trees in your neighbourhood. Or go fro a car ride and listen to Leonard Cohen on the radio. Or sit next to a big dam and watch the sun set and listen to the water roaring by.
You also get to read books and blogs and literature and if you're lucky you have a wifi connection thanks to the computer in your pocket that lets you look up any dang thing you want.
We have Wikipedia, for chrissakes!
But if I believed in reincarnation
(which I don't, but y'know)
I'd try to come back as a well-loved house pet.
Because food and alcohol and literature and adventure are great and all.
But on-demand belly rubs just can't be beat.
Eating soup slowly
- by Alyson Shane
I'm bad at rushing through my workday.
I try like hell to sit and sip my coffee, read the news, catch up on some articles, etc, before I start my actual workday, but even when it's stuff relating to my business or industry I still have a hard time sitting still in the AM.
There are emails to respond to. Profiles to update. Trello checklists to check-off. Copy to write, review, publish. Tasks upon tasks upon tasks.
Y'know, regular workday stuff.
I'm my most productive in the mornings and it often feels like I'm "wasting" my time taking things slowly in the AM.
Which is why it's nice to force myself to slow down for real, sometimes.
If I need to dive headfirst into work stuff in the morning I try and take a breath at lunch. Come up for air, peel away from my desk, go into the kitchen and make myself some lunch.
I try not to listen to anything; no music, no podcasts. Nada.
Just spend some time alone, clearing my thoughts, making something tasty.
Most days I just make a smoothie or a snack plate or leftovers so I can get back into the swing of things and eat as I work (told you I have a problem)
but some days I eat soup.
And soup days are the best days
because you have to eat soup slowly.
You can't rush soup or you'll burn the roof of your mouth, which means taking a little extra time to sit and enjoy it. Take slow sips. Wait for it to cool. Dig out the noodles or veggies or other goodies. Gauge overall heat. Repeat until done.
No music. No work.
Just me, my thoughts, and a bowl of soup.
Oh, and toast for dipping because I'm clearly not messing around.
It's Snoop Dogg's birthday
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which makes me happy because it means that he's been around for another entire 365 days doing weird collabs, answering AMA's on Reddit, and otherwise continuing to ingrain himself in popular culture like nobody else.
To celebrate, here are some of my favourite Snoop gifs:
Snoop hanging with the yout
Snoop droppin' it like it's hot:
Snoop brushin' it off
Snoop channeling the power of the Lord
Snoop keeping the ladies in check:
Snoop and his crew:
Snoop on parole:
Snoop on The Price is Right:
and my personal favourite
Snoop Dogg evolving into Snoop Lion:
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is a song by Jaguar Knight that plays on CBC Radio 3 approximately every hour and a half
which I love despite how often I hear it and the weird video that reminds me of the visuals my ex used to make.
Because how could you not love an artist that describes themselves thusly:
For ten years, I was known as "A\V" and toured around Canada with a shopping cart full of synthesizers.
Then I got abducted by a horse flying a UFO and the horse made me change my name to "Jaguar Knight"
and posts YouTube videos of their tracks with artwork like this:
Drunk girl in the Exchange
- by adminI first saw you on Albert and McDermot
while Tyrone was taking photos of the storefronts of Rhymes with Orange and Tiny Feast
and I was standing by holding his papers and humming a song by The Weakerthans.
You were walking up the street in a tiny dress and a blazer
holding your phone in one hand
and a glass full of some sort of drink in the other
my hunch is a long island tea, but it's anyone's guess.
You walked by and kept stumbling on the cobblestone streets
and I felt compelled to say something to you
but I didn't because mostly we're taught to keep to ourselves
lest we bring trouble or interfere.
as I watched you stumble away down the block
and then across McDermot
almost falling twice
I thought "fuck convention" and started to run after you.
By the time I reached you, you were already a block away
by King and Notre Dame
and I sprinted around the corner and shouted EXCUSE ME at you.
I think I scared you but you stopped.
I asked if you were okay and you drunkenly said you were
even though your dress was half-tucked up and you'd lost that glass somewhere and I could smell the booze on you
and I thought to myself
that you would have looked really professional if your dress wasn't so short & your little boots were so high.
But that's besides the point.
I asked if you wanted me to call you a cab and you said no
so you said you would call your boyfriend and I said I'd wait with you and you said I didn't have to
but I did
and when he didn't pick up you got up and straightened out your skirt and said
I AM TOTALLY OKAY
and sprinted across the intersection and through an empty parking lot before I knew what was happening.
I yelled after you
where are you going?
and you said
I hope you made it back okay
to wherever your home is
because I'm still worried about you
dashing around by yourself in your high heels in the cold.
So if you read this, please let me know you're all right.
Boyfriend at the time and I would drive around
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from his place
to the movies
to dinner somewhere
to the park
to our minimum-wage jobs
and we'd listen to bands like this
not because we were unhappy
but because we weren't.
Weird listening to it now.
It feels like a lifetime ago.
Slept in super late today
- by adminbecause I have the day off because I'm still rocking a fierce summer head-cold and my boss was all "your sniffling is gross please stay home for a day" which I did and as a result I cuddled the cats and slept will 11am. That equals over 14hrs of sleep since I dozed off halfway though that episode of Parks and Rec I was watching with Tyrone. Cray!
Even though I'm sick I had to keep my dentist appointment to get my chipped tooth fixed. It happened a few weeks ago while I was eating a taco from Modern Taco. My tooth felt kinda weird and I went to the bathroom and was like "well fuck" and since then it's been bothering me like hell but honestly? I'm busy and it took longer to look after than I'd planned.
I knew it was finally time when I mentioned making the appointment to Tyrone and he said
"I was wondering when you were going to do something about that"
which hurt my feelings a little bit. But whatever.
I go to this amazing dentist who doesn't fuck around. I'd tell you who but I don't want everyone going there and cramping my style, because he's always on time and is the fastest dentist I've ever been to. My chipped tooth was fixed in less than ten minutes and he ran off to see a million more patients that day.
Oh and did I mention that he billed my insurance company 100% of the cost so it was free? Oh yeah.
I made Tyrone come meet me for lunch and then drive me home, which was my plot all along because baby it's hot out and the busses were slow because there's construction everywhere and I'm sick goddammit and didn't want to deal with that nonsense.
Since then I've napped on the couch and watched 1/2 of The Hunger Games.
It's hard being productive when yr sick.
- by adminis how long I'm going to write for because frankly I'm in a foul as fuck mood and would rather be sulking at home with a beer instead of waiting to be picked up to go to a family function and then who knows what else all weekend. This weekend has gotten under my skin in every way possible and I need to just chill. da fuq. out.
This week has just been so trying. I feel like I've got my life on hold for some peeps and I'm getting completely jerked around and it's really wearing thin. I don't like second-guessing people and myself and what I've said/done to people and have zero tolerance for it. Nothing makes me flip out like that kind of shit but flipping out doesn't do me any good. It will just work against me. So I have to sit here and wait which also drives me nuts because I'm incredibly impatient. If there's one adult skill I've never acquired it's patience.
Anyway Tyrone is going away tomorrow night to party it up with his coworkers and in addition to getting my hurr did I have BBQ and movie plans with friends but frankly I just wanna stay home n have a soak in the bath n a glass of wine (or three) n watch a movie by myself. Is that so wrong?
The main reason is that we're supposed to be seeing the new Superman and 1. I don't wanna see it without Tyrone because he's MEGA stoked for it, 2. I hear it's only "meh" at best so I'm not really that stoked anymore, and 3. it's much easier to stay at home and relax and honestly guys I need it.
Honestly I shouldn't even be in a shitty mood at all.
I had a great, busy day at work so it went by super fast. Yesterday I got to hang with cool peeps at the a United Way luncheon and my zebra shirt was a hit. Then I biked home and took a huge-ass nap and bought a bunch of thrift-store clothes that look amazing. Tonight once I get over myself I'll get to hang with my fam, who I love, and have BBQ and home-made wine and hang out with my Granddad who is probably the coolest old dude ever.
Oh and did I mention that had free sushi for lunch?
And I got to take the cutest dog ever for a walk?
If I wasn't so busy stewing in my own mental swamp I'd be in the best mood ever!
Okay Shane. Chill the f out.
I downloaded this stupid app a few months ago which is supposed to help you meditate which sounds completely stupid and it kind of is. But honestly having some nice music playing and a hot-sounding chick voice telling me when n how long to breathe really helps. It's helping right now, actually.
Because when I get stressed out I start breathing all crazy like
really fast and my jaw clenches which I can feel right now
and this chick is telling me to let go
and stop blogging FFS.