- by admin
or so I've been told by those much wiser than myself.
'Underwhelmed' came out when I was embarrassingly young -too young to be listening to music as cool as Sloan- but it was still kicking around in the form of my friend's cd of Smeared
(a word that I didn't yet associate with gross sexual stuff, but never mind)
when I was older to start appreciating the finer things in life.
We listened to Smeared to nonstop on her boom box while sitting on her concrete front step in front of her house, which was across the street from mine.
She was a few years older than I was and spent most of our time together explaining to my juvenile self just exactly why Sloan kicked so much ass
(a word I didn't dare say anywhere but on that front step)
why Jeff Martin of The Tea Party was so sexy
(hair, voice, perfect pitch)
why the Our Lady Peace album Naveed was clearly better than Clumsy
(I don't remember this, just that their videos freaked me out)
or why Treble Charger's "Red" gets more depressing the more you listen to it
(see what I mean?)
in addition to other life lessons that, sadly, have escaped me as the years have passed.
But the important ones stuck with me, clearly.
- by admin
When the guy I was seeing left me it was 11pm on a Thursday and he did it in the Second Cup on Graham Ave and I was dumbstruck and I cried.
I was young and I didn't know what to do so I got up and left and he followed me because that's what you're supposed to do when someone storms out of somewhere, I guess.
It was February and it was snowing and I was trying to put on my coat and my mittens and my scarf at the same time and failing because nothing made sense, least of all arm holes and wool and zippers.
Nothing makes sense when someone hurts you.
He followed me and took my hand and because I was young I thought that meant something and he said "I'm sorry, let's go back to my place and we can talk" and because I was young I thought that meant something so we did.
But it didn't mean anything. It didn't mean anything at all.
He drove me home at 2am and I screamed at him in his car, I said what the hell is wrong with you why did you invite me back to your apartment when I was trying to go home
and he said
I don't know. I don't know about anything right now.
and I said some awful things that I wish I could say that I regret.
When I got home I called the man I'd been in love with all along and because it was the kind of man that he was, he stayed on the phone with me until I fell asleep.
The next day he dropped his Friday night plans and picked me up from work with flowers and when I saw him I began to cry either because I was wounded or in love or probably both
and he held me in his car as I shook in his arms.
We went out for dinner and on the way home he held my hand in between the red lights and shifting gears, and we listened to Konstantine by Something Corporate and I watched the snow and the traffic as we drove from downtown to Old St. Vital.
Later that night when we were alone and I was consumed by the smell of him I thought of the words of that song, the slow sadness of it, and though I was young and sad and fucked up I felt like maybe I’d be all right.
Which turned out to be true, but not then.
- by admin
I’d like to say that it happened just before things fell apart but if I’m being honest they were well over at this point and we were just clinging to some stupid hope that we could pull through even though it was obvious that we couldn’t.
I used to think looking back that we were in Toronto because we were looking at apartments but that isn’t right. This happened after I’d dragged him from Hamilton to Toronto to look at a place because I was lonely and miserable in Hamilton and desperately looking for some sort of familiarity which is how Toronto felt to me –something I knew and understood. He’d played along and we’d already put our names down for an apartment in a month or so by this point.
We were in town for WinterFest which maybe they still do in Toronto or maybe they don’t, I’m not sure since I haven’t been before or since that occasion.
The Weakerthans were playing and I wanted to see them. They weren’t one of my bands the way that they are now but I was sort of grasping for anything that felt like home at the time even though I didn’t realize it then.
I remember that we had a fight because he didn’t want to go so I hopped a Go Train and met him in Toronto as a compromise which didn’t really help because it was cold outside and he didn’t want to stand outside in the cold and see a concert even though that was the point.
He wanted to go and I didn’t because their set wasn’t finished and it was snowing and seeing this concert was the whole reason I’d dragged him to Toronto, dammit.
So he stayed on the edge of the crowd and I weaved my way to the front and felt better surrounded by all the people and a group of guys and two girls started talking in between one of the songs and mentioned that they were from Winnipeg and I said
hey me too
and we all talked about how they were on layover between London and Winnipeg for a few days and were in town to see the show and I said I’m moving to Toronto soon and they said
you’re so brave
and I felt brave for the first time in a long time.
One of them gave me a swig of the rye they were drinking as the next song started playing and I remember closing my eyes and feeling the snow on my face and listening to that song and feeling
so hopeful and excited for the future.
It didn’t last very long. A few weeks later I found myself on a flight back to Winnipeg to pick up the pieces of my heart and the life I had tried to leave behind.
I couldn’t listen to The Weakerthans for a really long time and especially not that song which I associated with that last perfect moment which of course wasn’t perfect at all.
It’s been a long time since that moment and last week I found myself wandering around The Exchange in the dark humming that same song as I looked up at the big rows of windows
and I realized that it still made me feel hopeful and happy. Just in a different way.
It’s funny how things change.
- by admin
The answer is that it's partially because it's on Netflix.
But mostly the answer is because back when I was fresh out of high school I knew a girl named Rae-Annon and it was her favourite movie if I recall correctly. If it wasn't, and I'm wrong, it was damn near her favourite because she talked about it a lot.
Even though she and I went to elementary school together, or maybe it was middle school I'm not sure anymore I knew who she was because she was the weird goth chick that my yuppie friends and I would look at from down the hall with big saucer-like eyes and wonder what could possess someone to dress that way.
(We, however, were dressed in as little as the school would let us get away with wearing without having to wear a garbage bag for a shirt and we were barely on our periods so who were the fucked-up ones, really?)
Anyway after high school we reconnected by chance because we both worked at the same McDonalds in Winnipeg Square where I wiled away a year of the year and a half between when I graduated and when I moved to Ontario.
She was way more self-assured and I didn't realize it at the time but I really looked up to her even though she had slightly hippie-er tendencies than me like not always shaving her armpits and talking about shakras and stuff.
She went to the East Coast for a month and brought me back a small bag of sea glass which I still have and treasure even though we haven't talked in years.
We used to hang out in her parent's basement which was basically her little pad and watch movies like East of Eden and Breakfast at Tiffany's and drink wine from a box and talk about the boys in our lives. She showed me how to paint watercolours and bought me a martini glass set for my 18th birthday and we had stupid made-up words like 'citag' that we used with each other because young girls are dumb that way.
She knew me back when I was still a pretty fucked-up mess and sometimes I feel bad about that.
We've completely lost touch over the years after a nasty falling out that was, largely and unsurprisingly, my fault. But when I think about those years I try not to think about the end, but rather the rest of it which was sweet and amazing and good.
So when I saw Chocolat on Netflix the other day I put in my queue and even though it's not a very good movie (which I didn't expect it to be) it's nice to remember her and my friendship that feels like a lifetime ago.
So hi Rae-Annon, if you're reading this.
- by admin
from his place
to the movies
to dinner somewhere
to the park
to our minimum-wage jobs
and we'd listen to bands like this
not because we were unhappy
but because we weren't.
Weird listening to it now.
It feels like a lifetime ago.
- by adminso here's the story of my first "wow" moment in gaming.
Which isn't really true because it's my mum's
but it's the first one that I remember
so here it goes:
when I was a youth we had a SNES and because we didn't have a ton of money
we rented The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
from the video store down the street
(for like, a year, but whatever)
and my mum was super into it.
Like, really into it.
So one day after school we're hanging out
Mum's playing away while dinner cooks
doing some stuff in the Lost Woods
and she says
"Wow this is so realistic! I don't think anything could get more realistic!"
So I don't know how thrilled she was several years later when I showed her this:
- by adminI know you're thinking:
Alyson it's July wtf are you drinking HC for?
it's because when I moved into my new office at work there was (is) a bookshelf with a bunch of random stuff on it and our HR lady said "if you want these hot chocolate packets you can have them" which was nice I guess.
Problem is instead of the soothing 'aah' feeling I was hoping for I'm reminded of winter and skating and hidden bottles of Southern Comfort.
Which isn't what I should be thinking about in July, I know.
I should be thinking about how in a few short hours I'll be in a car blasting Cake or listening to "Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls" on our way to BC and once we get there I'll camp and listen to music and eat Fatty Arbuckle's and party with some of my favourite people on the planet and then go soak in a hot spring before coming home to normal life for a few days before another adventure.
I'm a lucky girl with exciting adventures ahead and instead all I'm doing is thinking about that time we took Adrian skating for the first time and got tipsy on ice.
- by admin
One of the great things about being an adult is getting to do what you want.
What I want at the end of most nights is to sit around in my underpants with the laptop in bed with my significant other and maybe the cats and usually tea and sometimes a snack.
Tonight for instance we are eating popcorn with sour cream n onion seasoning.
Which is wonderful for me because I was working on university stuff all night and forgot to have dinner and didn't realize till we were halfway through our evening when my tummy was all
wtf put food in me you dummy
and I was like
shit. I'd better get on that.
So here I am writing this drinking tea and eating popcorn with my significant other which is crazy to me because a few years ago I was dating someone who picked a fight with me over this very thing.
I've only ever really seriously cohabited with one person and pretty early on after moving in together I was reading a book having a snack in bed and he flipped out.
I was all
It's not big deal. Just some cheese n crackers and I'm holding the plate.
But he flipped the heck out and we had this big crazy fight and it boggled my mind because who doesn't have a lazy snack in their own bed once and a while?
The reason I thought of that was because as we were both reaching for more popcorn my hand hit Tyrone's and some popcorn got on the bed and instead of flipping out we cleaned it like it was no biggie
which it wasn't.
So now I'm sitting here blogging about it and he's reading and we're about to go turn the lights down
and I'm thinking about how funny it is that people can be so different
and how I really want some cheese n crackers.
- by adminwhat's embarrassing is that up until a few years ago I never actually knew who gary oldman was
I knew he was in a lot of movies that I liked
and he played a lot of the best characters
but if you asked me to point to a dude on a page in a magazine and say
'look that's gary oldman'
I wouldn't be able to.
which in hindsight is a testament to his versatile face and also acting.
and since I haven't really written anything on this here old blog for a while
let me tell you about my first real encounter with gary oldman in a movie.
so when I was a younger I dated this guy who was a huge film buff. massive.
as in, had a huge dvd collection for no reason other than he liked to have every movie he liked in this massive perfectly alphabetized library in his living room
buddy wouldn't have money to pay his own way to see a movie on a friday night but could afford to blow all his cash on dvds
(kinda sour grapes there still, I guess)
anyway one day we were hanging out at his place (remember, no money to go out) and eating pizza and basically just vegging out and I said
"you know I'm not really sure what gary oldman looks like"
which apparently was sacrilege because everyone needs to fully grasp and worship gary oldman
(now as an adult I understand why, but I digress)
so we started watching the fifth element because it's an amazing movie and also gary oldman is in it
and even though I knew who he played in the movie it was bf's favourite so it was the one we watched.
(disclaimer: I've seen the fifth element a million times. I love it, but I've seen it a lot)
so since I've seen it a lot and he had seen it a lot we started making out
because that's what happens when a boy and a girl watch movies alone together someplace
(and sometimes other stuff but that's not in this story as you will find out)
so we're making out and I'm having a good time because I like this guy and he's a phenomenal kisser and suddenly he grabs my head and whips it around and goes
"look there's gary oldman's character!"
which, while true, hurt the shit out of my neck and completely ruined the mood
which wouldn't even have been so bad if he hadn't basically ignored me
and spent the next few minutes talking about the scene in detail
while I sat there making a grumpycat face on the couch
luckily I've moved up in the world since then
and am now dating a guy who loves me more than gary oldman (I hope)
we just won't be watching the fifth element together anytime soon.
- by admin
I love sesame street.
a lot of the stuff kids watch these days is crap
plain & simple
but sesame street will always be great
because it manages to still be fun and innovative
clever and cute.
and while it still appeals to kids everywhere
there are moments like these
(and some others that I love)
that are totally for grownups.